So, I realized that if I said everything I wanted to about these 10 people (or groups of people), this post would be pages and pages long. So, each number gets its own post to save you from getting too bored.
I feel much more able to do each person/group justice to the amount of influence they have had on my life.
The list:
(in order of when they will be posted, not importance to me; that order would be impossible to commit to)
1. Jessica and the Seattle gang
2. Amanda and the Coding Lab gang
3. My high school band director
4. Veronica Roth (yep, you're getting more of that)
5. My Mission President
6. McKenzie
7. June Bee
8. Malorie
9. My Sisters
10. -Honestly, I'm still deciding who this is/will be, therefore, the order may change a little, we'll see
#1. Jessica and the rest of the Seattle gang
(disclaimer: No, we were not an actual gang).
The summer of
2008 was spent in Seattle with an amazing group of girls. We lived in 3 top
floor penthouses in an old apartment complex right next to I-5. We had roof
access, needed keys in the elevator to get to our floor, slept in rooms big
enough to fit 3 people easily with a kitchen that could barely fit two.
We were there
doing research on families and what promotes healthy family outcomes. That was
good experience for sure, but it is not what sticks out to me.
What sticks out
is how I changed that summer. How I drove to Seattle by myself because I was
too scared to drive that far with someone I barely knew; I didn’t really know anyone I would be living with for the next 4
months. And then somehow, drove away feeling like my heart, which finally felt
whole and healthy and happy, was being ripped out of my chest. Going from not
knowing these girls, to feeling like I didn’t know how to live without them.
The course of my
life changed forever that summer. And it was because of Jessica. And Brittany
1, Brittany 2, Cherice, and Janae. Because of Stephanie and Danielle and Jami
and Kimber and Jennifer and Celeste and Charity and Chara and Rhea and Malvina
and Valerie. (and please tell me I didn’t forget anyone. If I did – sorry!)
That combination
of girls was somehow perfect, God-led and God-inspired, to change me. But the
thing is, I didn’t actually change at all. What changed was my perception of
myself. My acceptance of who I was. The realization that I was not nearly as
deficient as I had always thought. The knowledge – yes, knowledge, not just belief
– that these girls accepted me. That they loved me. And nothing I could do would
change that.
I learned that
they didn’t just kinda like me in spite of my flaws. But they loved me because
of them. And that difference, if you haven’t felt, is huge.
I learned that
the things about myself that I was always a little embarrassed about were
actually strengths and qualities that endeared me to other people. Never, and I
do mean never, had that possibility entered my heart.
Through Randy
(the project director), I learned that I was not just simply shy. My whole life
had been determined and colored by the fact that I thought I was shy; there was
something wrong with me; I was different and could never truly be accepted as
long as I had those differences, except by a very select few.
He taught us
(though it felt like he was just teaching me because of the lightning bolts
shooting across my brain, rewiring all of my previously held beliefs) about
introversion and extroversion. He taught me that to be introverted does not
mean I am shy, but that I renew my energy stores by being alone, by thinking
and processing my world, rather than by being with people. For the first time,
I realized I didn’t have to change who I was to be loved by others, and more
importantly, to be loved by myself.
I learned that I
was not inherently wrong or bad or in need of a major personality overhaul.
That actually, I was quite normal. And that my feelings about myself did not
have to be determined by the society that taught me I was wrong, that I could
defy the extroverted ideal and embrace this central part of my identity.
I learned from
Jessica in particular, that two people, who are extreme opposites on the
introverted/extroverted scale, can become incredibly close friends and balance
each other out. I learned how to work through differences because of greater
understanding rather than assuming my friend didn’t love me or wanted to hurt
me.
Leaving that
group of people, and Jessica especially, was the hardest thing I’d done up to
that point. Almost everyone else was going to be at BYU together the next year,
but I was moving home and soon to leave on an 18-month mission. It broke my
heart to know that I would not be there with all of them. That they would all
be graduated by the time I got back. That chances were very high that I would
not have that same relationship with any of them ever again.
My heart felt
like it was getting ripped out my chest when I got a package from Jessica full
of reminders of our summer as roommates in that Seattle penthouse apartment
because I missed her so much and longed for those days to return. My stomach
dropped to the floor when I realized I had lost her address so I couldn’t write
her back. I still regret being careless about that little piece of paper.
When I returned
from my mission, and went back to Provo, I slipped into the closest thing to a
depression as I’d ever felt because those people I loved were not there.
(Sidenote: that
was when I fell in love with and became obsessed with Supernatural. I was hurting
so much, felt so empty, and knew literally no one but my brother, that I became
a little addicted to the adrenaline I felt when I watched those first scary
episodes of Seasons 1 and 2. I replaced my emptiness with adrenaline and
couldn’t get enough. You know, of the adrenaline AND those gorgeous men).
I still miss
these friends all the time. Some I saw a few times my last year at BYU, some I
didn’t. But I know that they all still care about me, just as I still care
about them. And that if we ever were to get together, it would be just like old
times.
And even if it
weren’t, 2008 in Seattle was still the best summer of my life.
Because these
girls picked up a mirror and showed me who I was and taught me to love that
person I’d seen staring back at me for 21 years.
And for that, I
will always, always be grateful.
To all of my Seattle friends: I miss you. Most of you I see updates of your lives on Facebook and it makes me happy to see that you are doing well. I wish each of you all the best - for what you gave me, you seriously deserve everything. Love you forever and thanks again. :)
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