NaNoWriMo - To Write, or Not to Write

I started to seriously considering writing, as an option, a hobby, maybe one day a career, at about this time last year.

I had read Divergent and fallen in love with books more than I ever had. And I loved reading before. But something about the world and Tris’ voice and Veronica’s blog opened something in my soul that I didn’t really know was there.

A desire to write, not just autobiographically, or spiritually as I had been periodically doing,

but a desire to write novels.

And a desire to write to connect with others, rather than just share my testimony or feelings about something.

A whole new world of possibilities opened up to me. Novels, blogging better and more honestly, touching lives with both fiction and real-life vulnerability.

I got excited. Really excited. I found as many blogs as I could about writing. I wrote down ideas that came to me. I talked to a few of my friends who are writers. I dreamed. I made a goal to read every day.

That alone was a big change for me. I had no self-control when it came to reading so my rule during my previous 5 years of school was no reading during the semester. Now, I was starting up my last semester, arguably my most difficult (if only because my senioritis hit new heights), and I was reading every day.

I knew I couldn’t commit to actually starting my novel until I was done with school because I knew it would consume me. So I planned it as best I could, having absolutely no writing classes under my belt (other than “writing in the social sciences” which is a different solar system than writing fiction), or knowledge of how best to tackle the scary goal of “WRITING A NOVEL.”

Graduation came on a sticky May afternoon full of accomplishment and smiles and gratitude and family and rushing to move on to bigger and better things. 

(Not to mention an amazing hug from my gorgeous professor from my first semester).

Sarah took me 2 days later to New York City and my mind was full of Wicked and $1 pizza, gorgeous buildings and discovering publishing companies, tour bus rides and museums, painful feet and biting wind and falling in love with a city which reason and practicality tell me will never be my home, no matter how much I may want it.

I'd had 5 months of build up to writing MY novel and I couldn’t be more full of hope and passion. I was ready. I would get home from the Big Apple and finally put that world on paper. 

And then the exhaustion set in. 

The fatigue that comes from starting your graduate program 11 days after graduating with your Bachelor’s. 

From a year of wonderful and scary and healing sessions with clients who shape your first year of seeing clients but leave you unsure how to take care of yourself. 

From having a perfectionist brain with a broken body that keeps breaking in new, bone-breaking, world-shattering ways.

From going non-stop on vacation because your spirit is enlivened but you body is begging you to stop. 

So I slept, and despite the darkness covering my mind and soul, dreamed of those characters and that world.

Finally, I started writing. Putting words to the story that had been building slowly in my mind for the past 10 months.

And I wrote 5,000 words my first go!

And it felt amazing. Maybe I could do this. This big, scary, wonderful thing. 

But, it was also tiring. Physically. Emotionally. 

So the time between each writing session became longer and longer and the word count dropped lower and lower.

All the while the darkness became darker and the hope became dimmer.

Finally, I re-read the story I’d written so far and realized that the main character in my head was NOT the person coming out onto the pages.

Where I meant her to be proud of her differences, she was beaten down by them.

Where I meant her to be inspirational, she was unsure of who she was and what she had to offer.

Now, I know those traits would have develop throughout the book if I had continued, but it was happening different than I wanted. Different than the character in my head wanted.

It wasn’t happening for the sake of the story, or the characterization, or any reason contained within the novel.

It was happening because of my Depression. My doubt, my feelings of being beaten down were seeping onto the pages, darkening them in ways I didn’t intend.

And if I learned anything as a therapist over the last year, it’s that if something is coming from me and my needs rather than my client’s needs, I need to re-evaluate and change something.

Movement in therapy should always be client-driven, not come from the experiences or needs of the therapist.

Movement in stories should always be character-driven, not come from the un-related sufferings of the writer. At least, that was how it felt at the time, for this book. (Maybe there are times where this is good; I don’t want to assume I know better than other authors for their own work).

Not only was the story not going in the direction it needed to, but it was starting from the very first page in the wrong place.

So, I decided to take a break.

Wait until I was in the right state of mind and heart to write the story that I had planned.

I was exhausted and had no faith in myself to get anything done. Just getting out of bed took all my mental energy. I had so many plans for my last, little break before real life set in and I didn't do any of them. I couldn't. The weight and heaviness and pain from my body was somehow transferring to my mind and I was helpless to stop it. 

I convinced myself I was lazy because any normal person can get their ass off the couch and do something. But I couldn't. There was a weight in my chest (anxiety, maybe?) that prevented me from stepping out the door unless absolutely necessary and doing anything of value inside the safety of my apartment. 

Even reading, which is my favorite thing in the world, took more energy than I typically had. I would just stare at my bookshelf and sigh because I couldn't invest in the stories I loved so much. 

The one thing I could do was watch TV. (And look at Pinterest, of course). So, I self-medicated with Netflix. 

Sherlock, 

Grey’s Anatomy, 

How I Met Your Mother, 

Doctor Who, 

Torchwood, 

Merlin, 

Heroes, 

Parenthood…

Seriously, y’all, it was a problem.

For what it’s worth, watching these shows did keep me from going to a much darker, scarier place. I honestly believe that if I hadn’t had these shows to turn off my brain and actually enjoy something, I would have had some serious suicide ideation. I like to think I would never become actively suicidal, but ideation was within my realm of possibilities. These shows, thankfully, kept those thoughts at bay.

So, yes, I numbed out with TV.

I still do, sometimes when I need to, sometimes when I don’t.

I’m doing a little better. I think. I’m trying to work out seeing my own therapist, because God knows, I need one. But it is difficult in my current financial situation. I’m reading blogs of people who have gone through trials that have similarities to mine, seeing what helped them, trying to find way to cope with the life ahead of me. And it’s helping. Slowly.

But I think the desire to write is back.

And today is the beginning of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). The 30 days each year in which writers all over the world commit to writing 50,000 words of a novel. Or at least trying to.

Coincidence? Maybe.

If I’m honest with myself, however, I’m not sure a novel is something I can do right now.

I know I’m not ready to commit to writing that much in the story I began in June. And I don’t have any other novel ideas.

But I still want to write. And I think I still want to try to write 50,000 words this month.

Some of it will be in my journal. Some of it will be on my laptop (to ease in speed and word tracking). Some of it, hopefully, will be working on my WIP. Some of it I will post here.

I have a lot of things to work out in my mind, in my heart, and I’m finally in a place where I think I can start putting the words down again.

I might find out I’m not actually ready, but I want to try.

I might not hit the word count goal, might not even get close. But I want to try.

And I want to be a part of the writing frenzy that will be happening everywhere. I want to support my writer friends who are taking the challenge on, whether as is or modifying it to fit their needs (with editing and the like).

Hopefully, as I work things out, I’ll feel that darkness lift and I’ll be able to get back to my WIP.

Hopefully, I’ll be able to fully participate in NaNoWriMo 2014.

But for now, I will write my story.

And that is enough.

To everyone doing NaNoWriMo, GOOD LUCK!!! I’m so looking forward to hearing about your stories and progress! You can do it!!!!

*Image Source

The good things

So, my last post was hard to write. Probably hard to read. 

Here's something not so serious. 

Catch-up for the last 4 months! In reverse order. 

1 - Allegiant 

Finally!! Great day, what a ride that was. 

I had so many feels the whole time. And of course, at the end. I sobbed and leaked tears all over the pages of my precious book. (And lets be honest, probably some snot, too). 

It was not at all what I expected, but I do accept it. Veronica is my homegirl and Divergent will always be the book that inspired me to write a novel. And my favorite book for a long time. I don't want to rule out the possibility of something overpassing it, but it sure would take one helluva book to do that. 

My copy, right before I started reading. Just noticed the blue in the wave totally matches my sheets. :)

You know how you just grab whatever is nearby for a bookmark sometimes? My cute little brown bear became a bookmark once. I'm so weird. You can also see my heating pad - the blue thing - a necessary accessory for any RA reader. 

2 - Pumpkins with Malorie and Allie

After learning that Mal is having another little girl and that she is, praise God, perfectly healthy, we made a stop at a pumpkin patch. We didn't get nearly as many pictures this year as last, but it's okay. Allie carried around as many mini pumpkins as her little 3 year old arms could carry, that little adorable babe! I snapped this picture right before she stood up from smelling the flowers...

What a stinkin' cutie. And she still has two littles in her arm. 

We got one big pumpkin and one small pumpkin just for Allie. It was so hard to pick one because they all had scratches and parts that looked like it was about to mold away. So, we got the best we could of each. Then we went home and painted them. I learned I much prefer painting pumpkins to carving them. Carving with RA hands is like the hardest thing in the world. I also learned (well, relearned cause I've known it for a long time) that I have paint anxiety. Luckily we started to mixing colors and that made it okay to mess up. :)

The pumpkin we all painted together. Mal did the wave, I did the dark blue behind it and we all three did the color mixing on the rest of it. But mostly Allie. She also did the purple on the stem. 

3 - BYU Football game at Reliant Stadium

BYU came and played University of Houston. Brother came down and Dad, brother, Sarah, my friend Justine, and I went to the game. It was intense!! But in the last 2 minutes, we won! 

Sarah and I 

Justine and I after the game ended. The end was just so intense. Please note the man behind us. What is he so impassioned about?!

Yes, I totally read a bit when I got too overstimulated by the noise and all the people. Introvert, much?

4 - Doctor Who

I mentioned in my last post that I have become a Whovian. I started the second week of August and finished the modern seasons by the middle of September. Sarah, Mom, Becca, and I have all fallen in love with it. My niece Andie has some too, but she hasn't been able to watch as much as us cause of school and bedtimes and such. Becca has been behind us because of working nights so any time I go home, we pick up wherever she is and watch. Recently we watched the beginning of season 6 with the Silence and I decided we needed to play along. 

Wait, why do I have these marks on my arm? I can't remember... 

5 - Professor River Socks

Andie's friend's cat had kittens and she got one. Her name was originally just Socks when we got her, but with my strong encouragement, Andie and Becca decided to name her Professor River Socks. Any combination of those names gets used regularly. We got her at 7 weeks when she was so, so tiny. And now, she is something like 13 and seems so incredibly huge. She is also incredibly feisty and bitey and scratchy. I have scars. Her nickname is Lilith because she can be a demon kitty. I look forward to when she can get fixed so she will hopefully calm down a bit. But she is adorable and has made me firm in my decision to get a cat as soon as possible. But it will be a rescue kitty that has already been fixed because I just can't handle the energy and biteyness.

There's my bear again, her name is B. But instead of a bookmark, she is being brutally attacked by an adorable kitten.

She loves attacking my little stuffed things. That is B again and my hedgehog named John Watson. (Sarah has an otter named Sherlock). River also likes to attack my shoe, hence it being in the middle of the room. Crazy thing.

Sarah and I with River one of the few times she was calm enough to stay still. She slept on Sarah for about 10 minutes, then on me for about 5 and then she went back to attacking things. 

6 - The Mortal Instruments

Becca, Sarah, and I went to see City of Bones. I don't think it was the opening night, but we dressed up as Shadowhunters anyway. Complete with black clothes and rune tattoos (temporary, unfortunately). Such a good movie. Obviously, the book is better, but it was so fun to see these characters we love on the big screen. Though there were some plot points changed that I was bummed about, the characters were perfect for me. I originally hated Jamie Campbell Bower for Jace, but it didn't take me long to be won over. And Kevin Zegers as Alec, Aiden Turner as Luke, and especially Robert Sheehan as Simon - PERFECTION. 

I somehow don't have a picture of all 3 of us - probably on one of their phones. I had three runes and it definitely did not help with my desire to get tattoos. 

7 - Floating Lantern Celebration of Elizabeth Grace

August 20, 2012 was one of the worst days of my life, with many more days of equal pain to follow. A baby girl was taken from the earth and it was so hard, so hard to see my loved ones in pain. But God was there and has been there to help heal the pain as much as possible for all who loved that girl and her parents. We went to the beach on her first birthday to release lanterns in her beautiful memory. And God was there again. (Even when a cop came and told us we had to leave because apparently fire is illegal on the beach). :)

I love you, Beth. I can't wait to hold you one day. 

These things are seriously hard to light when it's windy. Recommendation: don't use them at the beach where it is perpetually windy. 

Three of the lanterns in the sky. Beautiful.

The moonlight on the ocean was breathtaking. Such a peaceful, beautiful night to remember a beautiful, precious, loved-beyond-measure, little girl. 

8 - Finding old family pictures

My amazing Grandma found some old family pictures and brought them to the cabin to show us. I took pictures of them on my phone. It was crazy to look back at them and see our family so long ago. 

I am well-known in my family to often rave about how adorable I was a baby and young kid. Seriously, I was adorable. I can't handle it sometimes. I want to pinch my little cheeks! 

Gosh, I still love swinging so much. Though, I could never swing on my knees like again ever again. 

My 2 great-Grandmas from my Dad's side. I'm on the left with my legs and arms in my shirt. The two other kids are my cousins Kaley and Lee. This summer, Kaley was named as the 1st Runner up in the Mrs. America Pagent. She is soon going to Hong Kong (I think), to compete is Mrs. World. CRAZY! She was also my favorite cousin growing up. 

All the cousins with the Great Grands. Each family is in their own color. I still have my legs and arms in my shirt. I must have been cold. Or grumpy. 

My Family! Michael, Becca, Mom, me, Dad, Sarah, Great Grandma L, Great Grandma R. We were so cute, I can't even handle it!!

Fast forward 20 something years. Me and Grandma. Yes, I am wearing my Iron Man shirt. We were working on a Thomas Kinkade puzzle. I love doing puzzles with Grandma so much. She is doing so well and is so beautiful. I am so grateful for her!!

9 - Breakfast with McKenzie

I got to meet up with Kenzie, my best friend from my mission. Her friendship toward me has been so healing over the years. No matter what I am feeling, I know I can go to her and she will drop what she's doing and help in any way she can. She listens better than almost anyone and shows pure love to me, no matter how little I sometimes deserve it. We hardly get to see each other (like, once a year), and don't talk much, but just knowing she is there makes me feel safe. I am so grateful for her. She just started her Master's program in Young Adult Fiction (I think - sorry if I got that wrong, Kenz!), and I am so proud of her and happy for her. Love you tons, my friend!

10 - Despicable Me 2 with Allie

Sarah, Mal, and I took Allie to see Despicable Me 2. It was my first time to go to the movies with Allie. Her mom and I went to sooo many movies in high school. It's pretty much the only thing to do in our home town. We once counted how many movies we'd seen together, at theaters and at home. It was around 150 in a year and a half. So, movies are a rich tradition with us. So fun to be with her and her daughter for one! And the movie was hilarious!!

It is so fun watching her get immersed in stories. I'm a little obsessed with this niece-child of mine. 

Well, that's all I currently have photo evidence for, so I'll leave my catch up there. No matter how hard things get, I do know I have people I can rely on. People who love me, no matter how difficult I am. People who know me and know what I need, or at least are willing to help me figure out what I need. I am so grateful for them. By no means did I cover everyone who helps me get through hard times, this is just what was on my phone tonight. :) 

So, to all of you who help me, 

who reach out to let me know you are thinking of me, 

who let me vent, 

who invite and include me in activities even if I'm in a bad mood and can't be easy to be around, 

who take my mind off things, 

who fangirl with me (even if just through Pinterest - you know who you are), 

who make me feel that my life can still mean something despite how difficult this disease is, 

who reach out to me in your struggles, even though I have my own, so we can feel the grace that comes from helping each other,

who included me in a business venture out of love despite signs that I might not be the best person to trust with it, 

who smile at me, 

who listen to me try to figure out the wanderings of my sick, sad mind,

who text me even when I don't answer, 

who love me for me when I can't see anything worth loving...

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. 

Thank you for joining me on this journey, for being my fellow traveller in this messy life. 

I couldn't do it without you. 

Favorite YA Boys

This morning, as I was rushing to eat my cereal and get ready for one of my last 9 am classes ever, I read the posts on my blog feed that had been published during the night.

One of these was a fantastic commentary by Zoe Marriot on the condescending views many people of my beloved YA genre. It perfectly explained a lot of the reasons I love about YA novels and the feelings I hope to evoke in readers when/if I ever get published. If you're interested, read it here. Seriously, amazing.

But at the end of that article, in the "you might also like" section, there was a link for Zoe's review of Divergent from when she won an ARC before it was published. As you might have noticed, I am a little obsessed with Divergent. For oh, so many reasons. So, despite running out of time before I needed to leave, I read her review.

Because it's a compulsion. And I cannot stop myself.

And it was a perfect review. HERE.

*source

Zoe described so many of the reasons I love Divergent and Veronica Roth. But the idea that hit me the most?

"I didn't swoon over Four for a second. I fell in love with him, quietly and deeply, just as Tris did."

I read that and had to just sit and let it sink in for a minute. That is exactly how I feel about Four. He is by far my favorite YA boy. I really like some others that are all pretty close in their ranking in my heart (Jace, Will, Jem, Lord Hector, Alex, Julian, Xander, Ky, Mal, Augustus, Percy, Po, Saf, Brigan....the list goes on...).

But Four? Something about him stands out. Because I fell in love with him quietly and deeply, rather than my usual hard swooning. He surprised me. And every little thing he did endeared me to him. His courage, his strength, his ability to let Tris be herself rather than be consumed in him, his tattoos (oh, his tattoos), everything. Just the thought of him makes my heart splutter a little.

And the thought that maybe someone exists out there who has even a few of his qualities, makes me want to find him. (And make him get some of Four's tattoos...)

I am such a fan of our wonderful Theo James who is playing Four in the 

movie. Not my favorite picture, but it's from the article Veronica 

put on her blog announcing his casting. *source

I know some people find this kind of literary affection strange, but most of y'all are YA readers, so I assume you understand.

So, my question to y'all:
(I am from Texas after all, don't make fun)

Who is your favorite YA boy?

And: What made you fall for him? What stands out about him?

Note to Self - Shards and Ashes

A book review of Shards and Ashes, edited by Melissa Marr and Kelley Armstrong

Note to Self:

 *source

In case you ever forget, Self, dystopian stories are freaking awesome. Or post-apocalyptic – there are distinctions, but sometimes they are hard to remember. Basically, thinking about what could happen if the world as we know it ended, or what could cause the end of the world, or just any crazy thing like that is oh so fascinating. If you ever doubt it, Self, don’t.

You love these kinds of stories. And there is good reason for that.

The thing you may not love as much?

Reading 9 short stories of you favorite genre. The stories are awesome. And then they end. And you’re left thinking…what?! How is that all?!?!?! I want more!!!!

And as frustrating as that can be, it really does show the quality of those short stories. Dammit.

I recently read Shards and Ashes, a collection of short stories about dangerous futures, written by 9 amazing, best-selling authors.  Who are these authors and what stories did they write, you ask?  Well….

Hearken by Veronica Roth

~ In the future, where death can come at any time and happen any where, people gifted with perfect pitch are chosen to become Hearkeners, or people who can hear and dictate a person’s song of life, or their song of death.  When Darya’s sister asks her to make a life altering decision to hear the death song of the mother who failed her in every way, she must face realities about herself and the life that formed her into who she is.

Branded by Kelley Armstrong

~ After the devastating results of the scientific modification of people’s DNA, living Outside means certain death. Unless of course, your boyfriend is actually a werewolf and the two of you are cunning enough to attempt an escape from behind the walls to join the Branded, just make sure the hybrids don't get you first.

Necklace of Raindrops by Margaret Stohl

~ When the only real currency that matters is in the form of beads of liquid, or raindrops, would you chose to save your beads to live a long, healthy life, or spend them and live the short life you have to the fullest? And what happens after the Jump that ends your life, anyway?

Dogsbody by Rachel Caine

~ Limited resources often necessitate sacrifices, even the sacrifice of thousands of children on a train leading to their death. When you are one of the few randomly chosen to live, do you stay hidden to survive, or rise up the ranks of the dogsbody’s with the hope of one day, with the fateful help of a long-lost friend, enacting revenge on the murderer responsible for countless deaths?

Pale Rider by Nancy Holder

~ What’s a girl to do when her search for batteries ends up with meeting a super-hot German boy who awakened an unknown power in you? Travel with him to a castle to solve the mystery of the magic, and the end of the world, of course!

Corpse Eaters by Melissa Marr

~ When a god, not one any religious books have told us about, shows up with lizard creatures that feast on corpse soup, Harmony decides that risking her life to fight the evil in her world is more important than anything else. Chris wants to keep her safe by leaving their hometown and ghostly memories for the un-occupied parts of America, but what can he possibly do to make her forget her quest for vengeance?

Burn 3 by Kami Garcia

~ The ozone layer is completely gone and living in the sun means burned, scarred, wrinkly skin; skin which some criminals, will do anything, or take anyone to get. When Phoenix’s sister goes missing, how can she hold the Skinners responsible, when the government knowingly turns a blind eye?

Love is a Choice by Beth Revis

~ The spaceship heading to a new world is kept safe through the twisted schemes of a dictator who knows that in order for their quest to survive, people must be kept under control; the smallest spark of rebellion could mean failure and certain death to the human species. When Mag decides the time for rebellion is now, Orion must choose between his love for her and his knowledge that in order for their resistance to succeed, they must bide their time.

Miasma by Carrie Ryan

~ The swamp plague is everywhere, along with the beaked doctors and their plague-eating beasts, and there is no beauty to be found. Except in Frankie’s eyes when she sees the beautiful flower gardens of the Oglethorpe family. With her sister on death’s door, Frankie will do whatever she must to keep her alive, maybe even accept help from a stranger who long ago fell in love with her eyes when she was mesmerized by the flowers.

I really enjoyed all of the stories, especially the thrill of reading some of the scarier ones late at night. This was my first collection of short stories and overall I was very pleased with it.

You know, other than the infuriating reality that the stories I got sucked so deeply into were only 30 to 40 pages long!!!

I really wanted more from all of them. Especially Hearken, Love is a Choice, and Miasma. I mean, there was only one that had a definitive ending, because the narrator died. And even that one I wished was longer! The other 8 all could have gone on.

Please, authors, PLEASE! Write more later!

I doubt it will happen though, because isn’t that the point of a short story? To write something incredibly engaging, give a little hook or hint as to what might actually be going on, then end semi-abruptly, making the reader remember the story forever and ever, always wondering what happened next because you only gave them 40 pages of mind-blowing goodness that ended with a crazy making cliffhanger that is never resolved?

That is the point, right?

FYI, these editors also have a collection of Paranormal short stories called Enthralled.

You can bet it is on my TBR list.

Because I am a glutton for punishment.

Ugh. 

(10 points to the first person who catches the reference I made to the Uglies series by Scott Westerfeld).