Note to Self - Looking for Alaska

A book review of Looking for Alaska by John Green. Mild spoilers.

Note to Self:

 

*source

Sometimes you are really going to hate a book at certain points because things you don’t want to happen, happen and things you do want to happen, don’t and you’re going to be mad at the author for this.

Don’t be mad at the author.

Just keep reading.

These books are usually the ones that mean more when you finish. Because they make you forgive the author for putting you through such heartache by making that heartache mean something.

And they make you think. They make you feel and ask and wonder and search.

And then they make you different.

Those are the best kinds of books.

Looking For Alaska is one of those books. 

I’m noticing a trend with this John Green fellow. His words are like manna to my soul. Then he crushes it. My soul, that is. And then somehow, in some way, with the most perfect melody of words and ideas, he heals it again.

How do you do this, John Green? HOW?!

I am in awe.  (And fighting off the jealousy of wanting to create words like he does, but I’ll put that aside for now).

In so much awe that upon finishing the book, I couldn’t do anything else that required brain power. It needed to recuperate. So I cleaned my bathtub.

Because after a story like Looking for Alaska, I just need to soak my body.

So those words,

read way too fast,

can soak into my soul.

And well, if I’m going to soak my body, I need a clean bathtub.

Looking for Alaska is a story about finding yourself. About being brave and taking risks and doing stupid things.

It’s about your first time making real friends, first cigarette, first kiss, first blowjob, first time saying ‘I love you’ to the girl asleep next to you. Your first prank, first loss, first time dealing with the crushing weight of guilt. 

About going from a person who lives through books to being a person who lives a story worth remembering and putting in a book. (fictional story, but you get the idea, yes?)

It’s a story about forgiveness and searching for answers and being silly when all you want to do is curl in a ball and cry.

And then sometimes still curling in a ball and crying. Because, as we learned from the Fault in Our Stars, emotions demand to be felt. Even, or especially, when we try to run.

It’s about the Colonel, Pudge, Alaska, and Takumi. And a little bit of Lana, the Eagle, Jake, Sara, and Kevin, too. And a stripper in an inappropriate setting.

A story about loss and what-if’s and the anger of grief slowly melting away.  About learning that anything that comes together will eventually fall apart. Sometimes too soon.

It’s a story about finding answers to life’s biggest questions:
~What happens to us when we die?
~Why do good people get rotten lots in life? 

And. and.
~How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?

It’s about loving your crooked neighbor, with your own crooked heart.*

* quoted in the book, ascribed to Auden. No first name given. And I am not proficient enough in poetry and literature to know who that is.

Recommendation:

5 stars! Count ‘em   *  *  *  *  *

-  Highly recommend to people looking for a read that is deep, but doesn’t necessarily always feel deep.

-  Highly recommend to people who love beautiful words usage.

-  Definitely recommend for feminist – major female character is vocally feminist!

-  Hesitantly recommend for people who mainly prefer stories with idealist, happy endings.

Tissue Count:

3

Should have been more but I was in bed and too lazy to get up unless I literally couldn’t breathe anymore. Be prepared with at least 5 if you are a crier.

Details for more cautious readers:

Has drinking, smoking, and drug references, all used by teenagers.

Mentions teenage sex often, including two semi-intense make out scenes (kissers on top of each other, with touching of breasts) and a description of a male receiving oral sex.

That said, I don’t think this should turn most people away from reading this story. Most of these things are portrayed in a negative light (well, the substance use and oral sex at least), rather than romanticizing them as something good. If you have more questions or concerns in this area, let me know. 

9/30 Part 1 - 10 People of Influence

9: List 10 people who have influenced your life and describe how.

So, I realized that if I said everything I wanted to about these 10 people (or groups of people), this post would be pages and pages long. So, each number gets its own post to save you from getting too bored.

I feel much more able to do each person/group justice to the amount of influence they have had on my life.

The list:
(in order of when they will be posted, not importance to me; that order would be impossible to commit to)

1. Jessica and the Seattle gang
2. Amanda and the Coding Lab gang
3. My high school band director
4. Veronica Roth (yep, you're getting more of that)
5. My Mission President
6. McKenzie
7. June Bee
8. Malorie
9. My Sisters
10. -Honestly, I'm still deciding who this is/will be, therefore, the order may change a little, we'll see

#1. Jessica and the rest of the Seattle gang
(disclaimer: No, we were not an actual gang).

The summer of 2008 was spent in Seattle with an amazing group of girls. We lived in 3 top floor penthouses in an old apartment complex right next to I-5. We had roof access, needed keys in the elevator to get to our floor, slept in rooms big enough to fit 3 people easily with a kitchen that could barely fit two.

We were there doing research on families and what promotes healthy family outcomes. That was good experience for sure, but it is not what sticks out to me.

What sticks out is how I changed that summer. How I drove to Seattle by myself because I was too scared to drive that far with someone I barely knew; I didn’t really know  anyone I would be living with for the next 4 months. And then somehow, drove away feeling like my heart, which finally felt whole and healthy and happy, was being ripped out of my chest. Going from not knowing these girls, to feeling like I didn’t know how to live without them.

 

The course of my life changed forever that summer. And it was because of Jessica. And Brittany 1, Brittany 2, Cherice, and Janae. Because of Stephanie and Danielle and Jami and Kimber and Jennifer and Celeste and Charity and Chara and Rhea and Malvina and Valerie. (and please tell me I didn’t forget anyone. If I did – sorry!)

That combination of girls was somehow perfect, God-led and God-inspired, to change me. But the thing is, I didn’t actually change at all. What changed was my perception of myself. My acceptance of who I was. The realization that I was not nearly as deficient as I had always thought. The knowledge – yes, knowledge, not just belief – that these girls accepted me. That they loved me. And nothing I could do would change that.

I learned that they didn’t just kinda like me in spite of my flaws. But they loved me because of them. And that difference, if you haven’t felt, is huge.

I learned that the things about myself that I was always a little embarrassed about were actually strengths and qualities that endeared me to other people. Never, and I do mean never, had that possibility entered my heart.

Through Randy (the project director), I learned that I was not just simply shy. My whole life had been determined and colored by the fact that I thought I was shy; there was something wrong with me; I was different and could never truly be accepted as long as I had those differences, except by a very select few.

He taught us (though it felt like he was just teaching me because of the lightning bolts shooting across my brain, rewiring all of my previously held beliefs) about introversion and extroversion. He taught me that to be introverted does not mean I am shy, but that I renew my energy stores by being alone, by thinking and processing my world, rather than by being with people. For the first time, I realized I didn’t have to change who I was to be loved by others, and more importantly, to be loved by myself.

I learned that I was not inherently wrong or bad or in need of a major personality overhaul. That actually, I was quite normal. And that my feelings about myself did not have to be determined by the society that taught me I was wrong, that I could defy the extroverted ideal and embrace this central part of my identity.

I learned from Jessica in particular, that two people, who are extreme opposites on the introverted/extroverted scale, can become incredibly close friends and balance each other out. I learned how to work through differences because of greater understanding rather than assuming my friend didn’t love me or wanted to hurt me.

Leaving that group of people, and Jessica especially, was the hardest thing I’d done up to that point. Almost everyone else was going to be at BYU together the next year, but I was moving home and soon to leave on an 18-month mission. It broke my heart to know that I would not be there with all of them. That they would all be graduated by the time I got back. That chances were very high that I would not have that same relationship with any of them ever again.

My heart felt like it was getting ripped out my chest when I got a package from Jessica full of reminders of our summer as roommates in that Seattle penthouse apartment because I missed her so much and longed for those days to return. My stomach dropped to the floor when I realized I had lost her address so I couldn’t write her back. I still regret being careless about that little piece of paper.

When I returned from my mission, and went back to Provo, I slipped into the closest thing to a depression as I’d ever felt because those people I loved were not there.

(Sidenote: that was when I fell in love with and became obsessed with Supernatural. I was hurting so much, felt so empty, and knew literally no one but my brother, that I became a little addicted to the adrenaline I felt when I watched those first scary episodes of Seasons 1 and 2. I replaced my emptiness with adrenaline and couldn’t get enough. You know, of the adrenaline AND those gorgeous men).

I still miss these friends all the time. Some I saw a few times my last year at BYU, some I didn’t. But I know that they all still care about me, just as I still care about them. And that if we ever were to get together, it would be just like old times.

And even if it weren’t, 2008 in Seattle was still the best summer of my life.

Because these girls picked up a mirror and showed me who I was and taught me to love that person I’d seen staring back at me for 21 years.

And for that, I will always, always be grateful.

To all of my Seattle friends: I miss you. Most of you I see updates of your lives on Facebook and it makes me happy to see that you are doing well. I wish each of you all the best - for what you gave me, you seriously deserve everything. Love you forever and thanks again. :)

Next up: Remember that almost depression I talked about? Well, Amanda and the coding lab are the ones who saved me from that. 

7/30 - Dream Job

What is you dream job and why?

Um, this question causes me some stress lately. With only 6 weeks left of grad school, real life and finding a job are both looming down on me and I’m a tad freaked out.

But, I’ll answer anyway. 

I have multiple dream jobs with varying levels of realistic possibilities. Let me tell ya about each of them. 

#1  -  My most realistic dream job that I will hopefully be able to accomplish soon is to be a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT). I love, love, love working with couples using emotion focused therapy (EFT). I’m pretty good at it and really enjoy seeing couples learn to find emotional safety and security in each other. It’s fantastic.

I also really want to get involved in medical family therapy (MedFT). There are a lot of different possibilities with that, so I’m not sure exactly what my dream is in that area. But I want to help individuals, couples, and families deal with the struggles of having a chronic illness. It’s an area very close to my heart because I know how hard it is to live with a chronic illness and how much it automatically affects family and friends. There’s not enough mental health help for people struggling with never-ending illness and I want to help make that more readily available.

#2  -  My very-much-a-dream job would be to play the french horn professionally. I would love to play in the Orchestra at Temple Square in SLC; that was my first French horn dream. Then, as I became more enamored with movie soundtracks (which let’s face it, the quality of the French horn in soundtracks is really what determines if the music is phenomenal or not – true story), I decided I wanted to be in an orchestra that focused on playing the background music for movies. Seriously, that would be amazing. Finally, I realized that the thing I would love doing most is play in the pit for Broadway musicals. Have a live performance every night? Yes, PLEASE!

Every time I hear a good French horn it literally hurts inside. I miss it so much. Because good horns cost at least $3,000, I never got one; I always used one from the school, whether high school or college. So, it’s now been 5 years since I last played. Winter semester of 2008 was the last time. Gosh, I was so good. Now, not so much. It would take a long time to get back to where I was. I will never live any of those three dreams. But, someday I could be in a community orchestra. I would be okay with that.

I just need a horn. Once I have a job and am making money, a horn is what I will save up for and buy first. I can’t wait. If I were ever to get engaged, I would prefer a cheap ring and a French horn rather than a big, expensive rock for my hand. Granted, I’d love to find myself a sugar daddy who could get me a big rock and a horn. But that’s just more dreaming. 

#3  -  I’ve mentioned this dream job a few times and it is the reason I started this blog. I want to be an author. I want to write for a living. You know, and read.

I feel like this dream job fits in the middle of the realistic continuum. It’s not something that will be easy, that I’ve gone to school for, that I am on the path for. But at the same time, it’s not as far-fetched as playing in the pit for Broadway plays. I truly believe that with lots of work and determination and excitement, this is a dream job that can eventually be mine. It won’t be immediate (which is honestly a very hard thing to accept), but I think it’s possible. It might take 5 years, 10 years, 15 years to get a book published. But I will do it. For the first time in my life, I have something to work for that I feel good about, that I have tons of excitement for, that will be beneficial to myself AND to others, that I don’t feel will slowly wear me down. Obviously I’ll need to have other jobs to make money before I can hopefully get to the point that I can write fill time. But this is something I think I can do. Something I’m motivated to work towards.

And goodness, I am excited.

My first novel is coming along – I have a lot of the plot mapped out, characters are starting to develop (though I am completely stuck on naming them – it’s a lot harder than I expected!), I’m coming up with scenes that I am stoked to write, but have just written the outline for. My plan is to have the plot planned out as much as possible before graduation. Then once I’m done with school and taking my 6 weeks off before starting work, I’m going to write my little heart out as much as possible.

I can’t wait.

(This is what it often looks like when I'm working on my novel - writing in my notebook, with Pinterest open nearby. Please note the two Avengers pins and the book sign. :) I don't know what that goat-boy is, other than weird.)

1/30 - 20 Random Things

List 20 Random Things about yourself:

New to 30 Things? Click here.

Originally written for my original blog a year ago. New,current comments written in this font

1. I sleep diagonally across my bed. My sisters often ask me what I’m going to do when I get married and have to share the bed. Well, I hope my future husband doesn’t mind curling in a ball and sleeping on one of the corners, cause even when I fall asleep normally, I often end up diagonally anyway.

     ~Yep, still sleep diagonally (Diagon Alley, anyone?).

2. I love the sound of the french horn. No other instrument comes close to its beauty. Hearing good french horn brings me more joy than almost anything else. In high school, on a band trip to Disney World, I told my friends that when I die, I want to be listening to a french horn. Still do. True story.

     ~Oh, french horn. I miss playing so much it literally hurts sometimes. And dang, did you hear the french horns in the new Les Mis movie? Amazing. 

3. I have lived in 5 states (born in New Jersey, grew up in Texas, went to college in Utah, spent a summer doing research in Washington, served my mission in Florida, and now am back in Texas). I also like to claim that I lived in England, though really I just visited my parents for extended periods while they lived there. While in Europe we visited Scotland, stopped at an airport in the Netherlands, spent a few days in Germany, drove in Switzerland, Austria, and France, and toured part of Spain. I LOVE travelling and want so badly to do more of it.

     ~Travel. Definitely still have that desire. Hopefully after graduation I'll be going with the sister to NYC! I might die of excitement!

4. I greatly aspire to have a huge library in my home someday. Wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling, dark wooded bookshelves full of mostly books, but also some knick-knacks and accessories. A sliding ladder to more easily access the top shelves. Dark green walls (for the bits that aren’t covered with bookshelves). Huge, dark red leather arm chairs, love seats, and ottomans. Fluffy pillows. A globe on a stand. Side tables and coffee tables to match the bookshelves. Antique table lamps that don’t match, but compliment each other. A huge, soft rug. A big ceiling fan. Can you picture it? Cause I sure can! Someday when I’m able to build a house, the most money will go into the library. Sigh…I want it now! 

  ~That library. I have plans to rearrange my room soon and will make a little library in the space I have. My bookshelf is full already. :)

5. I have never dyed my hair. I won’t always be able to say that because I know I will in the future. Those pesky white (not gray) hairs have got to go!

  ~Still haven't taken that dive. Someday soon maybe. 

6. I have three scars on my legs. One from kneeling on a jack when I was a kid, one from sliding down a rusty, broken slide on our swing set that used to be in the back yard, and one from being sling-shotted off a golf cart while on vacation with my best friend.

7. I am currently trying out gardening. And by gardening, I mean growing things in small pots rather than in the ground seeing as I live in a 3^rd story apartment. And by things, I mean one planter of Oregano. That’s all we have so far. If it works well, we will graduate to more herbs and maybe flowers. Right now there are little tiny sprouts just barely coming out of the soil. I talk to these little sprouts in a high-pitched, cutesy, baby talk manner every day – lips puckered out and eyebrows furrowed. I am sure the little sprouts enjoy hearing my voice and are glad to know they are loved.

     ~HA! Yeah, our gardening venture failed miserably. Everything died. Oops. Tons of green stuff grew, but no flowers or veggies. Our love couldn't save them against the scorching heat of Texas. 

8. My bathroom is decorated in sage green and lavender. The perfect color combination for a bathroom.

9. Christmas is by far my favorite holiday. I can’t wait to have kids to celebrate Christmas with. There are so many traditions that I can’t wait to do with my future family! Here’s one that I am really excited about: I have a book called The Autobiography of Santa Claus. It’s genius! There are 24 chapters. I plan on reading one chapter a night to my kids starting December 1 and going til Christmas Eve. It’s a story based on service, not on presents, which I think is great and so relevant to our day. And though it is about Santa Claus, it is very religious. I love it and I can’t wait!

10. My favorite sound (other than the French Horn) is wind blowing through pine trees. I feel peaceful and happy just thinking about it. I could spend a day in a grove of pine trees and do nothing but listen and think and be perfectly happy. My next favorite sound is waves crashing on the beach.

     ~I can't wait to graduate and spend time at our cabin in Idaho, surrounded by pines. It rejuvenates me. 

11. My favorite thing to do while at the park is swing. I plan on having a huge adult-sized swing-set in my backyard some day. It will probably have a large, comfy seat on it so I can swing for longer periods of time without my bum falling asleep! Have you gone swinging lately? If not, you should!!

12. I lived in Utah for four years, and somehow never went skiing. How did that happen? Future husband, whoever you are and wherever you are: you best plan on fixing that little problem!

13. I almost constantly have music playing in my head. Mostly instrumental music, though songs from the radio often get stuck in my head too. I still randomly will hear my 8^th grade trumpet region music for hours at a time. I often hear soundtracks, such as from Narnia, the Lord of the Rings, How to Train Your Dragon, etc. I love music so much. I used to get annoyed at the music in my head because I felt like I was wasting so much time that I could have used to be thinking about important stuff. Now that I have more important stuff to take up my brain space, the music is a welcomed guest.

14. I am horrible at keeping up with planners. The only time I successfully used them was on my mission when I was basically forced to. I always buy them and use them for two weeks and then they don’t get touched again for months. I would like to change this about myself, but every time I try, it doesn’t work. But I keep trying – I’m sure someday it’ll stick.

  ~I have mostly successfully used a planner for work. But I still have trouble using a planner for daily life stuff outside of work. Crud.

15. I love reading books about dystopias. Some of my favorites are: The Hunger Games, the Matched series, Fahrenheit 451, the Giver (with the 2 sequels), Brave New World, and the Alliance. I have a goal to someday write a book. If that book happens to be fiction, I think it’ll be about a dystopia.

     ~Add Divergent. And Insurgent. Did I mention Divergent?! I just re-read it for the third time 3 weeks ago and already want to read it again. Also, add the Maze Runner. And I am working on a dystopian book!! Yes!

16. I have a freckle on my eye. Ok, I’m not really sure it’s a freckle. I don’t know what it is. But there is a little brown spot outside the rim of the iris in my right eye. It’s weird, but I like it.

17. I have a strange love for and obsession over the tv show Supernatural. It brings me more joy than any other tv show ever has. I don’t know how to explain it. I mean, Jensen Ackles is one good explanation for this love, but it is certainly not all of it. I used to be embarrassed to admit it was my favorite, mostly cause I don’t know many people who watch it and it’s really hard to explain to someone who’s never seen it. It sounds super lame when I try. But, I am no longer embarrassed – I love it too much to hide. J I am however, still very embarrassed by my love for the Vampire Diaries. That one I really have NO good explanation for, other than Ian Somerholder. It’s my guilty pleasure. Supernatural, it’s just a pleasure – no guilt involved.

18. I much prefer dark, gloomy skies to bright, sunny skies. The summer I was on my mission I actually yelled at the sun every day. It was too hot and made me uncomfortable! So I let it know how annoyed I was at it. I enjoy the sun every once in a while. But once it gets to be over 90 degrees, give me clouds and cool things down! Some people get depressed when it’s cloudy all the time – I get happy!

     ~As I add these comments, there is a massive storm outside. 60 mph winds, possible hail, torrential rains. As long as there's no tornados, which I haven't heard of any tornado warnings, I'm loving it! 

19. I once almost got killed by a hurricane. My sister and I went to the beach 3 hours before a hurricane made land fall. We were walking on the jetty and a huge wave came and knocked us off our feet. Luckily there was a cross post on the rails that caught us. If we had been about 3 steps behind where we were, we would have gotten washed out and battered against the rocks. Maybe I’m being a little dramatic in saying I was almost killed, but we definitely would have been hurt really badly.

20. The thing I hate most about being a girl is having to blow-dry my hair. I try to avoid it as much as possible. Ladies – there has got to be a better way to make our hair look good than blowing hot air on our heads right after we’ve showered and gotten all clean, only to make us all sweaty and not clean again. Someone, please find a solution to this life dilemma.

     ~Still hate it. Ugh.

I hope you enjoyed learning more about me! What are some random things I may not know about you? What’s unique about you?